Yet Another Mennonite Church Split Blamed on Yoko Ono


It’s another day and another church in southern Manitoba is breaking up, but rather than do some serious internal soul searching to find the source of the problem, church members have blamed it all on Yoko Ono.

“I was absolutely devastated when I heard Pastor John was leaving the church and taking dozens of people with him to form a new church with a way better worship band,” said local church goer Susan. “It’s sad because I thought things were going so well and the North South Side EBMMMBC Gospel Fellowship Community Church was going to last forever! I’m not sure what it is, but there has to be some source of all the discord.”

That source, says Susan, is none other than famed multimedia artist and counter-cultural icon Yoko Ono.

“John always thought he was the leader of church, but Pastor Paul was making his contributions, too,” said Susan. “Not to mention Associate Pastor George. Don’t forget him. They were working so well together until Yoko came around.”

Yoko Ono has been blamed for more than two hundred southern Manitoba church splits in the last few decades, even though she’s never even been to the place.

“You gotta have somebody to blame, right?” said Susan. “I mean in the 1870s, we had one church around these parts. One. And now there are dozens, if not hundreds. New ones popping up every other day it seems. It must have something to do with Yoko Ono; I’m sure of it.”

Apparently, it’s never even dawned on Susan that instead of blaming Yoko, perhaps all the splits might be the result of ego and intolerance.

“Either that or I’m blaming Ringo,” said Susan. “I haven’t made my mind up yet, but I’m going to check out Pastor John’s new church and if the music’s good and sermons are on point I’m going over there.”

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