White House Running Critically Low on Toilet Paper and Bleach


Toilet paper and bleach supplies are running critically low at the White House this week after the “royal family” and all their staff came down with some mysterious condition that only toilet paper and bleach could solve.

“Quick, Melania, why don’t you run on down to the Walgreens and snatch up all the Clorox and TP you can fit in the Caravan,” said the Donald, who was indisposed at the moment. “We’re all going to get through this together if we just have enough toilet paper. For the love of all that is right in this world, please don’t let us run out of toilet paper.”

The situation is so dire that an interfaith prayer meeting has been called for this afternoon, where religious leaders are asking for a miracle to shower the White House with Charmin Ultra Soft.

“Bless the White House with your two-ply!” said Reverend Schmidt. “Rain down Cottonelle and Quilted Northern Ultra like we’ve never seen before!”

There’s no word yet as to what caused the sudden toilet paper and bleach shortage, but officials have also noticed that all the lids on all the White House toilet seats have been left up.

“I don’t know what’s going on here but suddenly all our phones are incapable of typing anything expect Tweets in ALL CAPS,” said a White House insider. “Yes, indeed, some strange mysterious force has struck this place!”

(photo credit: Matt H. Wade/CC)

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