Vote-By-Mail to be Replaced with the Mennonite Method: Vote-By-Name-Pulled-From-a-Hat


After suggesting that mail-in voting would lead to voter fraud, President Trump is requesting that the 2020 Presidential Election be held the Mennonite way: throwing everyone’s name into Elder Friesen’s sweaty wide-brimmed black hat, saying a prayer, and pulling out the lucky winner.

“The Anabaptists have been picking pastors and elders like this for centuries and it’s never steered them wrong,” said Trump. “I think the American people (or some of them anyway) have been deciding elections for too long. It’s time we let the man upstairs decide.”

Many Americans support the idea, although some are questioning just what is meant by the “man upstairs.”

“I hope he doesn’t mean Jared Kushner,” said Mrs. Burkholder. “There’s only one man upstairs for me … and he snores like nobody’s business!”

The new election method is said to be the most reliable way of choosing leaders in existence.

“Hey, think of it this way,” said Trump. “The old method’s what got me elected.”

In a new survey, 90% of Americans said they much preferred picking names out of a hat to the electoral college.

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