WASHINGTON, DC
Long time folk “chiropractor” Mr. Thiessen has been hired by the US President to advise him on all things health related. Mr. Thiessen is well known throughout Jantsied for his ability to cure absolutely anything with a bit of muscle and some sketchy concoctions made in his garage.
“If you want to cure what ails you, you’ve gotta get Mr. Thiessen involved,” said Trump. “He cured Mrs. Wiebe’s bunions last year with a few raw onions and a bucket of pig fat.”
In a press conference earlier today, Mr. Thiessen had the President spread-eagled on an old Chesterfield, while he demonstrated his ability to cure everything from a slight cough to herpes with just a knee in the back and a few sticks of celery.
“Let me tell you, these Mennonite home remedies are something special,” said the President. “Plus, it’s cheap! We paid Mr. Thiessen with a couple New Testaments and some freshly-plucked chickens. We’re gonna save a fortune by going in this direction.”
While Mr. Thiessen’s remedies have drawn some criticism for lacking credible science, he says he draws a line in the sand when in comes to using bleach.
“Injecting bleach? I mean, come on, I’m not an idiot,” said Mr. Thiessen.
(photo credit: Matt Johnson and Incase/CC)
