OTTAWA (via Zoom), ON
It wasn’t long after he was elected in 2013, that MP Ted Falk achieved the “very prestigious” status of perpetual back-bencher, but now the Provencher MP has really outdone himself by being shunted to appear in Ottawa via Zoom from his foosball room in Manitoba somewhere.
“Like many MPs, when I first arrived in Ottawa, I had grand political ambitions,” said Falk, licking the Cheetos crumbs from the tips of his fingers. “For me, it was continually putting my foot in my mouth and getting relegated to back bencher status. It was an admirable goal, but never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would be so far in back of the House of Commons that I’d be broadcasting from my basement in Steinbach.”
For decades Provencher has prided itself with sending cabinet-quality MPs to Ottawa, but Falk feels what they really need is a cringey politician that even the Conservatives don’t really want around.
“I’m so happy the good people of Provencher have selected me, Ted Falk, to embarrass them in the nation’s capital,” said Falk. “Hey, anyone want to play a quick game of foosball?”
Falk spruced up the place with Canadian flags, sports memorabilia, and a wide selection of salty snacks and diet soda.
“I’ve got quite the man cave down here,” said Falk, cracking his knuckles in anticipation of the upcoming match. “If you’re in the area, feel free to stop by and hang out while I’m Zooming. It’s quite the party. BYOB, of course.”
Falk has said that, now that’s he got the hang of it, he’s really in favour of “this remote learning thing.” He’s also excited that his party is leaderless at the moment so he can say whatever the hell he wants in the House and there’s no one to hold him accountable.