The Seven Hottest Mennonite Sex Positions

Need to spice up your love life? Look no further than the Mennonites!

It’s the worst kept secret in the world: Mennonites are near the top when it comes to love-making. How else do you think they got to have such large families? Well, the bedroom antics of Mennonites have finally been revealed in a new edition of the Mennonite Kama Sutra, a book that had only been examined at clandestine Bible studies and cell groups up until now. So, here are the the top 7 moves you should try this Valentine’s Day!

  1. The Lazy Doerksen – This is a longtime favourite of Mennonite church elders. After the church has been locked up by the custodian, sneak in with your lover and lay down on one of the pews while Martha goes about her business. Be sure to choose one of the comfy pews in the back with the cushions. Relax and enjoy.
  2. The Roll Kuchen Dip – Slather your lover in Roger’s Golden Syrup and removed the excess with some freshly baked roll kuchen. You know your Henry is always in the mood when the house smells of fried dough.
  3. Missionary 2.0 – This is an all-time classic. The Mennonite twist, however, is to put on your authentic local attire from when you were on the mission field. You know the outfit you wore when touring church basements for donations? Yeah, Henry loves seeing you in that!
  4. The Butter Churner – The Englishers have their own move called the Butter Churner (don’t look it up), but the Mennonite version of this favourite involves a real churn and actually produces butter if you do it right.
  5. The Waffle Iron – This is only for the more adventurous couples. First, put on your favourite George Beverly Shea LP, then spoon one lover in waffle sauce and the other in waffle batter. Things should get hot enough to produce fully cooked waffles when you’re done. Who doesn’t want a post coital snack?
  6. Reverse Schejkbenjel – Send your husband to the truck to fetch something. Anything. Then when he returns with the tool, stand at the doorway wearing nothing but his tool belt and see where things go from there. You can also try this out on the job site during your lunch break.
  7. Goertzen Style – The Goertzens are known for a unique style all their own. This one involves three of the four most common items at faspa, so be sure to pocket some rolled up slices of ham for the meddachschlop afterwards. The rest is left up to your imagination, but, the book recommends not using fresh cheese curds as they squeak far too loud and will wake up the children.
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