Mrs. Agnes Wiebe is excited to announce that her 48-year-old son Derrick, who sleeps on the couch in her partly-finished Blumenort basement, will be seeing a raise in his allowance from 4 shiny new quarters a week to 5.
“Derrick was super pumped when I told him,” said Mrs. Wiebe. “He wasn’t so impressed when I told him he’d have to start making his own bed, though.”
Derrick had been stagnant at 4 quarters a week since he was about 17 years old, so the raise will be a big boost to his standard of living.
“It’s a 25% increase in income,” explained Mrs. Wiebe. “It’ll mean he can afford three more gummy worms or one whole sour soother from the convenience store.”
Derrick immediately took to social media to announce his victory over his mother.
“I finally broke her,” said Derrick. “The negotiations bogged down there for a while, I even had to take up the picket line, but in end Mom caved and I’m happy to say our relationship has been fully restored.”
Derrick hopes that by the time he turns sixty, his allowance will be large enough that he can take a nice Mennonite girl on a date once in a while.