Millions Show Up for Mennonite Church Service in Upstate New York


Over a million people have turned up this weekend to a Mennonite church service on Max Yoder’s farm in upstate New York. The service, billed as “3 Days of Peace and Music,” features all the best a capella choirs from across the continent.

“We’ve never seen anything like it. The buggies are backed up on the Interstate for miles!” said event organizer Henry Krehbiel. “I just hope we have enough summer sausage and Porta-Potties to accommodate everyone!”

Mennonites across the country have come to see popular contemporary performers such as Janis Janzen, De Wäa, Kleefeld Kloawota Revival and fan favourite The Grateful We’re Not Dead Yet.

“But I think on the top of everyone’s list is Country Johan and the Fesch!” said Krehbiel. “They’re going to have everyone in the audience spell out the word schissjat in protest to various overseas wars!”

Not everyone is excited to have millions of Mennonites in the region, however. Some local residents are finding the influx of Anabaptists to be a bit of a nuisance.

“If they want to come and sing hymns that’s fine. I just wish they wouldn’t bring all this other stuff with them. You know what I’m talking about,” said local business owner Mr. Roberts. “These people are bringing loads of fresh-baked pie into this community and it’s a bad influence on our young people! I heard some of them are even having sex within the holy confines of marriage!”

While some locals are concerned the Mennonites may be up to no good, others welcome the strange outsiders.

“They’re peculiar, but I say just let them be. They’re not bothering anyone,” said Mrs. Lang. “Besides, I kind of like the music.”

With a huge thunderstorm forecast for tonight, event organizers are telling people to bring extra quilts and stick around for a late night performance by Jimi Heinrichs, who apparently can play the autoharp with his mouth. Rumours have it he’s planning to do a twenty minute long instrumental version of 606.

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