Mennonite Football Player Suspended Two Games after Testing Positive for Papsi and Ravel


After a wee bit too much Papsi and Ravel was found in his system, Andreas Heinrichs has been suspended from playing the next two games of the EMBC church touch football league.

“Oba, nay! I never should have gone to that Sunday School picnic in June,” said Heinrichs. “Or maybe it was the late night partying at the pits that did it. I don’t know. I really don’t remember consuming any Papsi or Ravels.”

Papsi and Ravels have long been known as a performance-enhancing substance and the league is really cracking down on offenders.

“We caught three running backs and a kicker with schmaunt fat in their urine,” said league commissioner Billy Sawatzky. “We even suspended a punter from Sommerfeld whose knackzoat level was twice the legal limit.”

In the competitive world of church-league football, players will try anything to get an advantage.

“They’re trying to impress the Doerksen sisters,” said Sawatzky. “I get that. I truly do. But everyone has to play by the rules. You shouldn’t need copious amounts of Papsi and Ravel in your system to win over Bernice Doerksen. No need to overdo it.”

Heinrichs will be allowed to play again once all the Papsi and Ravel has been flushed out of his system.

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