Local Pastor Reassures Paranoid Congregation: “Don’t Worry, Chem Trails are Just Schmaunt Fat”


After months of growing paranoia, a local pastor has decided to address a matter that was plaguing the minds of some of his more circumspect congregants.

“Chem trails are nothing to worry about,” said Pastor Tomas. “Where do you think schmaunt fat comes from?”

Pastor Tomas went on to explain that he and his trusted elders place buckets outside every time an airplane flies by so they can catch all the schmaunt fat.

“It then goes to Mrs. Doerksen in the church kitchen,” said Pastor Tomas. “Don’t believe everything you read on all the message boards. There’s nothing to be worried about.”

The pastor’s message calmed down the worried believers.

“I read it was waffle sauce,” said Mr. Thiessen. “Either that or jreewe. I’m so relieved to know that all it is is schmaunt fat.”

Next week Pastor Tomas will explain to the parishioners that 5G is nothing more than just a fancy way of stuffing sausage.

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