John Tortorella Hires Mennonites to Shun Patrik Laine


Columbus Blue Jackets head coach John Tortorella is known for his unconventional methods of motivating his players, most notably benching star players or publicly shaming them when they don’t perform. It seems he’s taken things to the next level with newly acquired sniper Patrik Laine.

“He had that Mennonite beard thing going on for a while there in Winnipeg, right?” said Torts. “Well, I figured I’d head on over to Holmes County and round up some Mennos to shun the young man. Maybe that’ll improve his play.”

Convincing a few Stuckets and Steiners to completely ignore Patrik Laine whenever they saw him was not an easy task.

“They asked me what he’d done to deserve a shunning and, apparently, mediocre play on the forecheck was not sufficient for a shunning,” said Torts. “They were only convinced when I showed them his new clean-shaven appearance. Then they agreed to the shunning.”

So far, Patrik Laine seems unaffected by the fact he’s being completely ignored by Ohio’s Mennonite population.

“I was used to it from the Mennonites in Manitoba,” said Laine. “Believe me, it takes more than a grumpy stare from a Yoder or Reimer to take down Patrik Laine!”

Meanwhile in Winnipeg, Jets coach Paul Maurice is considering sending Pierre-Luc Dubois down to the farm team in Blumenort.

(photo credit: Don Bigileone/CC)

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