Joe Biden is Thankful He’s Running Against Donald Trump as “I’m Too Terrible a Candidate to Beat Anyone Else”


Dreadful Presidential hopeful Joe Biden is grateful to be running against “that dumpster fire” Donald Trump as he really wouldn’t have a chance against anyone with even the remotest level of competence.

“Being the second most terrible candidate ever to run for President doesn’t sound very good,” said Biden, “unless you’re running against the worst. Then it’s an advantage!”

Biden has been running on a campaign of general creepiness, taking certain votes for granted, and saying “at least I’m not the other guy,” which seems to be an effective strategy so far.

“What you have to realize,” said Biden, “is that the Democrat and Republican Parties are really just two branches of the same party. Us Democrats actually love Trump, because he gives us the chance to run a mediocre-at-best candidate like myself rather than someone with real integrity and ideals.”

Biden plans to ride this wave of all-around horribleness into fall, where he hopes people will plug their noses and vote for him.

“You don’t have to like me. But you do have to vote for me!” said Biden. “What other choice to do you have?”

Biden was reportedly so distraught when he heard Kanye West was running that he binge-ate an entire bucket of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, which, when empty, he then filled with his own tears.

(photo credit: Phil Roeder/CC)

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