Help Mr. Funk Decide: Is He Swiss or Russian Mennonite?


Mr. Funk of Kitchener has recently uncovered information on a popular genealogy website that has completely shattered his conception of himself.

“I’ve had a crisis of identity,” said Mr. Funk. “I always thought of myself as Swiss Mennonite, but last night I found out there’s a whole bunch of Russian Mennos in Vankla or someplace who claim the surname is Russian Menno.”

The news has Mr. Funk so disoriented that he’s even dabbling in a few Russian Mennonite activities.

“I’m just testing the waters, so to speak,” said Mr. Funk. “Basically I’m going to go with whoever makes the best sausage.”

Mr. Funk has also started stuffing his perogies with cottage cheese and has picked up a few words of Plautdietsch, much to the chagrin of his neighbours.

“Those Funks needs to make up their minds,” said Mr. Eby. “Are you in or are you out? You know what the Bible says about lukewarm believers!”

Once Mr. Funk decides which way he’s going, he’ll have to rebaptized properly by the Mennonite micro-culture of his choice.

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