Local Gas Station to Offer Free Eye-Gouging or Kick in the Groin with Every Purchase


Gas stations across Vancouver are going the extra mile this week by providing each paying customer with a complimentary eye-gouging or kick in the groin.

“We’re trying to stand out from the crowd by giving customers a little extra service,” said local gas station manager Troy Asel. “So after we fill your tank, make sure to come into the store for a free gouging … or a swift kick between the legs if that’s what you prefer.”

Customers are already lining up their SUVs to take advantage of the offer.

“I hear they’re going to be gouging people all week,” said excited customer Amanda Doerksen. “Last time I had my left eye done. This time I think I’d prefer the right.”

With each purchase, drivers will also be given a stamp on their loyalty cards which, after ten stamps, can be exchanged for a karate chop to the throat.

“We’re really doing everything we can to keep our customers happy,” said Mr. Asel. “And don’t think just because we’re giving away free eye-gouges that we’re going to cut back on all our other services. We’ll still smudge your windshields and pretend to check your oil just like we always have. You can count on it!”

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