World Breathes Collective Sigh of Relief as Zoom Goes Down


Billions of human beings around the globe received a temporary reprieve from incessant Zoom meetings this weekend after the app went out of commission.

“Well, praise the Lord! This must have been divine intervention!” exclaimed Floris de Vries of Amsterdam. “The worst thing about this pandemic has been all these verdomme Zoom meetings. First it’s Zoom Church. Then Zoom prayer meeting. Then all day on Zoom at work. Then Zoom drinks with friends and a Zoom sjoelbak tournament. It’s too much. I even dated a few women via Zoom. That was a disaster waiting to happen.”

Like all humans on the planet, de Vries is hoping this Zoom outage lasts a while.

“At first I was worried about preventing the virus and now I’m more concerned about preventing my own participation in any more Zoom meetings,” said de Vries in exasperation. “If I have to gaze at a split screen with Mrs. Visser from accounting and Mr. de Jong from HR one more time..”

The celebrations have spread around the globe, as the word gets out about the temporary demise of Zoom.

“I’m going to be living it up in a Zoom-free world for as long as I can!” said Mrs. Toews of Asuncion. “These Zoom yerba mate meetings were just not cutting it! I hope they never fix that thing!”

Human beings have universally decided that they’d much prefer to not communicate with others at all rather than listen to their co-worker’s inane gossip and covert farts when they don’t realize their mics are on.

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