Blue Jays Apologize After Mennonite Man Pelts Outfielder With Knackzoat


The Toronto Blue Jays received a little help from the stands on Tuesday, as a passionate Mennonite fan continued to pelt Baltimore Orioles outfielders with knackzoat throughout the crucial Wild Card playoff game.

“Our surveillance footage clearly shows a man in suspenders and a wide-brimmed hat spitting sunflower seeds at the opposing outfield,” said team spokesperson Jennifer Mulliniks. “We are strongly considering banning Mennonites from attending future games…or at least thoroughly searching them for potentially dangerous contraband like knackzoat and cheese curds.”

Although the zoat did not impede the players’ ability to make catches, the team has said that the intent was to interfere with the game and thus constititued poor sportsmanship. The Mennonite in question defends his actions.

“My cousin brought these great knackzoat all the way from Manitoba yet,” said the accused. “I was just trying to share these delicious snacks with the entire Oriole franchise. I thought I heard one of them say, ‘pass the Spitz.'”

The Baltimore Orioles have stated they are sad they lost the game, but are happy to have discovered a delicious new snack.

“People toss all sorts of stuff at us and normally I’m opposed to it,” said Orioles manager Buck Schowalter, “but if Mennonites are going to spit delicious dill pickle-flavoured sunflower seeds at us, I say, let it rain!”

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