Andrew Unger Answers the Web’s Most-Searched Questions About Mennonites

If you’ve ever searched The Google you’ll probably have noticed that they like to predict what you’re going to ask even before you ask it, just like how Taunte Lina always knows before you’re finished your plate that you’re just about to reach for more cold cuts. Both Google and Taunte Lina use years of experience and pattern recognition to predict your every move. So, what are some of the more frequently-asked questions about Mennonites? And, more importantly, what are the answers? Well, Andrew Unger of the Daily Bonnet has got answers for you… they may not be correct answers, but they are answers nonetheless. Let’s have a gander.

Are Mennonites __________________________

  • immune to coronavirus? No, but we are immune to Corona Virus.
  • and Amish the same thing? Sort of. But not reallyIt’s complicated. Kind of like your relationship with second cousin Jakob. Please enroll in an Anabaptist History course at your local seminary to make sure you’re even more confused on this issue. 
  • Calvinists? No, we are not, but please don’t beat yourself up for asking such a silly question. After all, you were pre-destined to ask it, right?

Do Mennonites ______________________

  • have communion? Yes, with Welch’s grape juice. 
  • live in colonies? Yes, Aunt colonies.
  • drink? Yes, Papsi and Roger’s Golden Syrup. 
  • speak German? Kjenn jie noch Plautdietsch?
  • drive cars? Yes, but poorly.

Is Steinbach  __________________________

  • a dry town? Not after last night’s thunderstorm.
  • MCC open? Yes, the lines are snaking down the block. I think there’s a sale on mason jars.
  • getting a Starbucks? I’ve heard that’s the case, but do you really think Mennonites would pay five bucks for a coffee? Maybe if they offered Yerba Mate… and a free bag of Ronnie’s zoat.

How do Mennonites ____________________

  • dress? Sock shoe, sock shoe.
  • make money? Selling fresh cheese curds and/or used Honda Civics.

Is Altona ______________________

  • dog beach open? Never been there. Is that near the big sunflower painting? I hear they only accept Low German Shepherds. 
  • safe? Yes. The worst that might happen to you is tripping on a watermelon rind. 

Can Mennonites  ______________________

  • date non-Mennonites? Yes, but do you really want to water down the Penner bloodline?
  • marry their cousins? Well, ummm… define “cousin.” 
  • drink, dance, watch tv, drive cars, divorce, etc. No, not unless you’re on the elder board or a Member of Parliament.

(These are all real questions from Google).

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