All 3 or whatever remaining Commonwealth countries will be guaranteed a medal in every event this summer as they compete to see who’s the best at sports amongst these several nations.
“More than two nations will gather in Birmingham this week to determine the biggest fish in a very small pond,” said sports commentator Sir Reginald Davies-Evans-Shakespeare III. “I, for one, am very much looking forward to witnessing the spectacle of these various athletes from a number of countries.”
There has been such a dearth of competition that countries have resorted to recruiting their own leaders to step out on the track.
“I spotted Canada’s Justin Trudeau fidgeting around with the javelin the other day and I think I saw Australia’s new PM Anthony Albanese doing the hop-skip-and-jump,” said Sir Reginald Davies-Evans-Shakespeare III. “We’ve even got Boris Johnson competing in the equestrian events. Of course, we still have to find him a jockey.”
In order to pad the numbers, the games have also added a number of traditional Commonwealth sports such as cricket, croquet, and wondering why our tax dollars are still going to support the monarchy.