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Month: July 2018

Food and Drink

Man 3-D Prints Every Recipe in the Mennonite Treasury Cookbook

July 31, 2018 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC Days after the 3-D printing of Mennonite recipes was legalized by the Supreme Court, Mr. Klassen of Abbotsford successfully printed every single recipe in the Mennonite Treasury Cookbook and promptly divorced his wife […]

Mennonite Life

‘Bigfoot’ Revealed to be a ‘Mr. Friesen’ from Altona

July 30, 2018 Andrew

ALTONA, MB The mystery of Bigfoot has finally been solved! After careful analysis of the footage, scientists at Pembina Valley University, have concluded that the big hairy beast seen traipsing through the back-40 last year […]

Food and Drink

How to Measure Your BMI (Body Mennonite Index)

July 29, 2018 Andrew

The body mass index is used to measure a person’s relative health based on their weight and height. Unfortunately, the traditional BMI does not work for Mennonites. Instead, Mennonite doctors recommend that you use the […]

The Outside World

Discovery Channel’s Documentary on ‘Pacifist Sharks’ is ‘Most Boring’ Program Ever Aired During Shark Week

July 28, 2018 Andrew

MIAMI, FL The Discovery Channel’s annual ‘Shark Week’ usually features numerous fascinating documentaries about the underwater killing machines, full of exciting decapitations and mutilations that keep audiences on the edge of their seats. This year, […]

Church

Blood Moon ‘A Sign From God’ that the Reign of the Fundamentalist Mennonite Elders Has Come to an End

July 27, 2018 Andrew

BERGTHAL, MB Conservative Mennonites across North America are interpreting tonight’s blood moon as a ‘clear sign from God’ that they no longer have to follow the ‘bullshit rules’ of the elders and can now live […]

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July 2018
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